How To Fight Fair...Even When You Don't Want To

I can be very moody. Seriously, just ask K. All he has to do is say one thing, and I snap at him. Then I see the look on his face after I snap and I feel horrible. Because it was so unnecessary. He didn't deserve my moody response. Just because the universe isn't turning like I think it should, I shouldn't take it out on him. But, I do anyway. And what does he do? He forgives me. Every time. He still loves me despite the moods and testy attitudes.

All of this came to light while I studied Song of Solomon this morning. With such pretty words, you wouldn't think that this book would tackle conflict, but it does. In Chapter 5, Solomon returns home to be with his beloved bride.

"Open to me, my treasure, my darling,
my dove, my perfect one.
My head is drenched with dew, 
my hair with dampness of the night." (Song of Solomon, 5:2)

In this chapter, some time has passed since their wedding and their marriage has lost some of that spark that was originally there. We know that feeling, right? Our wedding day was a fairy tale and a a couple years pass and he leaves the toilet seat up, hairs in the sink or laundry on the floor and we think, really?  This is a fairy tale??

"But I responded, 
I have taken off my robe.
Should I get dressed again?
I have washed my feet,
Should I get them soiled?" (Song of Solomon, 5:3)

Can you see what happened here? Solomon wants to be intimate with his wife and she has refused his advances. This is a perfect picture of how a marriage grows and bumps in the road creep in. It's not all happy and pretty. It's how we handle the conflict that matters. What did his bride do?

She went to him.

And what did he do? He forgave her. 

"I would still choose my dove, my perfect one" (Song of Solomon 6:9)

So here are some tips on how to fight fair even when we don't want to:

  1. If you have a problem with your spouse, pray about it first. Give it to God
  2. Talk to your spouse about what is bothering you. Don't give them the silent treatment (I have been so guilty of this. I learned that talking to K really helps the situation instead of keeping it bottled inside.) If you need a few minutes to yourself to calm down, take them. But come back together and talk about what is wrong and how you can fix it.
  3. Compromise! 
  4. Forgive them. Don't bring up something they have done in the past...let it go. And when they say they are sorry and want to move on, let it go and forgive them. 
  5. Don't seek victory and winning the resolution. Ask yourself, "How can we resolve this?" 
  6. Listen to them. (I really really have to work at this.) Listen with both ears their reasons and why. Even if you still don't agree, at least listen to them.
  7. Follow the bride's example in Song of Solomon and seek your spouse. Don't let him be the first for reconciliation. 

I hope these tips have helped you as this study has helped me! Until next time, have a great day!


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