Compromise and say you're sorry...

I have been asked if K and I have problems...if we fight. At first, I was kind of surprised by the question and have responded that we are like every normal couple. We argue...we have issues. Both of us are very stubborn and have different ways of handling problems. But in some ways, we don't handle our conflicts normally, and that is when I realized we are different. And I came to the conclusion that is why we are happy and have fun together, and it may seem like we don't argue. I want to share with you what works for us and I hope it helps you.

When K and I bought our house we currently live in 3 years ago, I was so excited to decorate and buy new furniture. K had different feelings...he felt what we had was enough and didn't want to spend a bunch of money on decorations. We had many arguments on where certain things should go and what should or shouldn't be bought. After many fights, I finally sat him down and told him this was ridiculous. We had to stop it and come to a compromise. It was so stupid that we were spending such an exciting time fighting over where something should go. We still have had some stupid fights since then, but just the fact that I sat him down and didn't fight with him or nag him made such a difference. My first tip would be to learn the art of compromise. This has saved K and I from some serious fights. This also goes along with learning to pick your battles. The other day I got mad at K for something so stupid (it was about buying wooden spoons for my nephew, who loves playing with cooking spoons. After being very upset with K and I sat there pouting, I thought this is one of the most stupid disagreements! It actually inspired this post!) If it's a serious issue and needs to be addressed, then talk to him and find a common ground. But, if it's over something stupid...laugh and walk over to them and give them a hug. That will stop a fight dead in it's tracks. Laughter truly is the best medicine. The next time you and your significant other is fighting, seriously think and ask yourself if it is really worth fighting over?

 When I get mad or I feel conflict and confrontation rising...I shut down. I get quiet and won't say anything because I don't want to "fly off the handle" and say something I will regret. I try to practice Proverbs 15:1 in every situation. In some relationships, shutting down maybe a good thing, but in marriage communication is so necessary. One approach I take with K is if he has said something that has made me angry, I shut my mouth and breathe. (Counting to 10, 20, 100 may help). Men are "fix its" by nature...they need to know what is wrong so they can fix it and make it better. As their wives, I think it is important to honor that nature by telling them what is wrong, but they need to let us breathe and calm down first. With this verse in mind I also want to challenge you loud talkers...The next argument you are having with your spouse, try to not yell at them. Speaking in a loud voice will not get across to them any better than a soft answer would. K had to break me of that very early on. I raised my voice to him because that was the only way I knew to fight. He stopped me and said he wasn't raised like that and we would talk like two adults. He could hear me just as good without yelling. He said yelling at him would not get my point across any better, in fact, it made him shut down even more. Ever since then, we refuse to yell. It is very degrading. Also, this is a Biggie...absolutely no name calling!! That should be a rule between you two and should not be allowed. In almost 15 years, I have never called K anything but an endearment.

Be the first to say your sorry even if you don't want to. This will change the tone of the argument and will help them not be afraid to say they are sorry. And one final tip that has helped K and I tremendously...let go of your anger. Don't be mad at each other for long...I know couples who have stayed mad at each other over things for years and something that happened long ago...let it go. Forgive them and move on. It sounds cliche, but life really is too short to hold on to something. You learn from it and move on. If it is something they keep doing, address what it is and let them know it bothers you. Open the lines of communication. K and I have a very happy marriage because we talk to each other and we remember to have fun together. We laugh when we do something stupid and we forgive each other. We pick our battles. There are somethings he does that drives me bananas and vice versa, but we are in this together and love each other. That is more important.


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