The last post in Sept of 2016 I was very vague on details of something I was going through. I was battling with fear and anxiety because in June 2016 my life changed. I am about to get very personal and let you in on something that I wasn't quite ready to share until now...I feel God was telling me it was time.
K and I had been trying to get pregnant since January. We talked and prayed and did more talking and praying and felt it was finally time for the next step. We had waited long enough. 5 long months of pregnancy tests and waiting and in June while I was working at vacation bible school, I found out I was pregnant. I was cautiously excited and very nervous. Deep down something was telling me something wasn't right, but I was only 5 weeks. I went in to the doctor and after getting poked and waiting more on test results, I was sitting in my car when I got the call that I was going to miscarry. It was the hardest news I have ever gotten in my life. I really struggled with how to cope with the pain of not being able to carry this baby. I was going to be 35...would I ever be able to get pregnant? Questions swirled around in my mind...doubt and fear. Was it my weight? Did I work too hard? I can honestly say that this life experience was the most grueling and heartbreaking of my life.
But I have to share with you that there was someone who pulled me out of the darkness: my Lord and savior. Going through what I did with the miscarriage changed my relationship with God forever. Where once I was an every Sunday, check the box kind of Christian- was no more. When I felt like I couldn't go anymore and all I could do was cry...He was there. He held me and listened. God was there through it all. He brought me to this wonderful bible study:
It completely changed the way I viewed God and waiting for Him to answer a prayer. One of the most important points I took away from that study was that we have to shift our focus from the object of our wait to the person of our faith. That meant I had to focus more on God instead of the constant waiting to be pregnant. I still struggled and I would love to tell you that once we got my doctor's permission to start trying again that I didn't get disappointed every month I wasn't pregnant, but I did. It still taught me a valuable lesson on waiting on God. We have to let it go to Him. He works everything for our good, and sometimes what we want right at that moment isn't what is good according to His plans. And His timing is always perfect. It taught me to trust His timing and not doubt what He was doing. We studied David...a wonderful example of someone who waited on God and trusted Him. Sure, he struggled and made mistakes, but he was a man after God's own heart. We all struggle and mess up, but God loves us and forgives us. I never want to go back to the way I was before. This hurt and heartache brought me to where I am now and I am completely ok with that. I accepted Christ when I was 14, but I didn't know what it meant to really love and live for the Lord until a year ago. That changed my life. I only hope and pray that you accept God's love and devotion to you. There is so much joy and life to live in His presence. You always have a father there for you; a best friend to listen to you. All you have to do is let Him in! Ask Him into your heart and He is there. Our lives as Christians won't always be great; trust me. But, He is always there for us through it all. He died for us to save us from this world. I will forever praise Him for all He has done for me.
This song, Even If, by MercyMe also had a big impact on my faith in God; it spoke volumes to how I view Him and how I want my faith to be...
Stay tuned for the next post..the changes in our life didn't stop here...
Until next time, God is good, all the time!